Gossip is a Drug.

Gossip as in the bad kind, saying negative things about other people behind their backs, including rumors and assumptions. 

Drugs as in drugs that can be misused, drugs of abuse.

Like drugs, gossip can be fun. In the very short term. It’s social, like a lot of illicit drug use.

It’s also toxic. Gossip will leave you with a hangover and regret. Like some stimulants, gossip can make you a little paranoid.

Gossip can get you stuck with other users, in an unhealthy social circle that you might spend time with, and then wonder if it’s the best way to spend your precious time. 

Gossip is hard to resist for many people. It’s a natural instinct. It’s fun to have something to talk about. It’s the tea that can feel so delicious. We feel closer to the people we are gossiping with. It’s a sad way to feel better about ourselves, but judging people gives us a boost of confidence. We think “I would never do that” or “Well at least I don’t have THAT problem.” 

The closeness with your gossip crew is fragile and messy, too. We have all heard someone, maybe a parent?, say something like, “If they are talking about that other person behind their back, they are probably gossiping about you too, or will soon.”

By gossiping, you are also not doing anything to fix whatever performance problem or interpersonal problem going on. When we gossip, we are going around any problem (if the gossip is even true) and shining a mean-spirited spotlight on it.

The main problem with gossip: It makes it impossible for people to trust each other. It is destabilizing. 

Important note: 

Negative gossip is not the same thing as venting. We all need to complain about something or someone at work at some point. (I have always assumed that “venting” as a term comes from the other common term when we are upset, “letting off steam.” Right?) 

Venting, ideally, is done with one person who has your back, a trusted colleague or a friend who doesn’t work with you, and who will not tell anybody else what you say. They know their job is to listen to help you feel better, NOT egg on your negative ideas and emotions and make it worse. Not to spread the salacious story further.

How to avoid gossip and help break the habit? 

* Notice. Name it, for yourself, when you see it. Who are the main spreaders of gossip? Are you one of them? Where does it happen? Lunch room? A mean-girl Slack topic? 

* If you are in a gossipy circle, don’t add fuel to the fire. You can avoid the gossipy people, or you can help redirect the gossip to venting (if the story involves them personally) by saying something like “I’m happy to listen to you vent.” And then limiting yourself to supportive listening. 

* If somebody comes to you with gossip about somebody else, decide if there’s anything productive in the newsy news, and support that: “Do you think we can help him?” If it’s just something mean about another person, express concern for the person. That will take the mean-fun out of the situation instantly. 

* If you feel close personally to a gossip-er, tell the person your intention to be more positive and not spread rumors. They might appreciate you and learn from you. They might also decide you are boring without the shared drama, and take their gossip somewhere else. You might get the chance to build more encouraging relationships with other people.

The second foundational Culture Builder in my Six Culture Builders for Team Leaders curriculum is Build Trust and Safety. It follows developmentally from #1: Be Humble and Curious.

There are multiple dimensions of being trustworthy as an individual, including being reliable (doing what you say you will do). And to setting the expectations for trustworthy behavior in your team. 

Being respectful with your words, not tearing people down for a cheap laugh or short-lived feelings of safety or superiority, is crucial to building and maintaining trust. It is one of the Four Agreements in the popular advice book of that name: “Be impeccable with your word.” 

I don’t like to get too preachy. Nobody is perfect. Gossip can be fun. That’s why I like the drug analogy. 

We don’t have to go cold turkey. If even one person dials down the gossip bit by bit, everyone will be happier. We can find better ways to connect and share a conspiratorial laugh.