Conflict is normal. A big role of a leader is to take conflict as it arises and make it safe and productive. We want to make conflict a learning experience instead of a power struggle. 

In my work coaching and teaching leaders, we practice what to say when conflict rears its head in its different forms: disagreement about the facts, resistance to our recommendation or instructions, confusion about roles, good ole power plays. 

In general, we want to respond to conflict with generosity and curiosity, instead of with anger or anxiety or annoyance. (We have a Conflict Cheat Sheet where people can write their usual emotional response to conflict and then what they want to say as they navigate the conflict. We want to identify these emotions as they come up, so we can realize early “Oh, this is conflict. I want to respond in a productive way.”)

Here are five things we practice saying, for you to try as conflict returns to your work every now and then, as it does, or as it should, when you are doing important work with smart people with different ideas and experiences.

Important note: Don’t say anything if you don’t mean it. In a moment of tension or disagreement, everyone’s bullshit detector is highly tuned. (Lizard brain self-preservation.) If you aren’t ready to hear more from someone, that’s normal. Wait until your mind and ears are open.

• "Tell me more about that" or "Tell me why you think that." This is a simple one, though saying it in the moment of conflict can be hard. When things get emotional or confrontational, a natural reaction is to shut it down, to hear less from the other person. But if it's not a heated conversation, give that person the floor to say more. Why they don't like your idea. Why they don't want to go along with the rest of the group. If the person seems to want a power struggle, this will help diffuse it. "Tell me more" brings out specific reasons for disagreement. You may learn something about the issue at hand that you didn't know before.

• "I don't want (x), I do want (y)” When we are asking someone to do something differently, or do more or something new, we often can guess a reason for the person’s reluctance to go along with what we want. So you can say it and get it out of the way. For example, you could say “I don't want to dismiss your idea" or “I don’t want you to think I don’t trust you and I’m micromanaging you.” Then what you do want, e.g., “I do want to make sure the ideas we put forth meet the criteria we were given by my boss.” Or, for a common scenario across levels of management: "I don't want to step around you and try to manage your staff team. I did want to give Jamie an opportunity to tell me directly what the team needs." 

• "What do you need from the team?" or "How can I help you?" If the person is struggling with getting work done, or there’s a lack of information, or the person is just nervous and wants to succeed, a simple offer of help is a great way to stay on the same side of the table, to keep things in the “WE” frame instead of “ME vs YOU.” Even if the person's ask of you is not something you can offer, like a longer deadline or taking work from them and doing it yourself, their requests gives you something to talk about as you negotiate. 

• "Let's think about it and talk again tomorrow." This is a way to allow some thinking time while keeping you together as a team to work on the issue. You aren’t saying you’re done talking about it, or that you will take it on yourself and leave the other person out of it. This works well when there are strong emotions on either side of the conflict, and you want to allow the emotions (yours or the other persons, or both) to settle.

• "Our team is responsible for doing (the thing). How do you think we should approach it?” If you are at an impasse with someone, or just want more ideas, you can step back from the practical steps to the big goal, and ask for ideas. If they don't like your solution, ask for their help coming up with another way. Examples: “Our team is responsible for doing 200 COVID tests per day. What’s one important thing to do to achieve this?" or "Our team is responsible for starting social media outreach to teenagers. Do you have ideas on how to do that?" Everybody likes their own ideas better than other people’s ideas. You may come up with a new approach that you both like better.

Do you have go-to phrases you use when conflict arises? What are they? Do they help you approach conflict with more patience and less stress? 

Once again: Don’t say anything if you don’t mean it. If you aren’t ready to hear more from someone, wait until you are ready to use these curious and generous approaches.