Welcome back to the Quandary-Mat, where Hunter takes your conundrums in work relationships and team performance and gives them a good spin through the clarifying culture-building machine.

This is the second part of a response to the quandary from last time, “Mixed signals from my too-busy boss.” Part 1 was about how to respond in the moment, to an urgent task given by her busy boss without the context or information needed. Read that here.

In Part 2, I will address the overall relationship and the clarity this struggling middle manager needs. Here’s what she wrote:
I am having a hard time with my boss. Things I think I am in charge of, she does. Things I think she will do she assigns to me, usually last-minute. I need to know what she wants from me, but it is almost impossible to get her attention. I was recently out on leave for several weeks, and we haven’t met one to one since I got back. She continues to lead my department directly, without my involvement.

This is a stressful and unsettling spot to be in. I’m sorry you are facing this level of uncertainty and confusion every day. The way to go generally, the big relationship idea here, is to work together and preserve trust. The confusion is for you two to figure out together, side by side, not a me versus you for you to play an ugly tug-of-war over who does what. It will take a little time to get into a better groove.

I recommend getting organized, getting things on paper, and presenting your best ideas for who does what to your boss to find out where you agree. Let’s call it The Big Sort. A working document will help you both see the big picture, and to pick and choose which part of your work need the most clarification. 

At the same time as you prepare for The Big Sort discussion, keep advocating for regular 1:1 time with her, maybe just 20 or 30 minutes once every two weeks to start. You deserve it. She deserves it. It will make everything so much easier once you get back in that habit. You can say something like, “Now that I’m back from leave, when can we meet regularly? I want things to go smoothly, with as few surprises and emergencies for you and for my team as possible.”

Steps of a Big Sort process: 

1. Spend an undistracted hour making a list of the main parts of your role: programs, projects, operations functions, the list of people you supervise. 

2. Then go through and write down your understanding of her role and your role for each thing on your list. Are you the lead and day-to-day decision-maker, or is she? Who is the main contact person for your team members? You could use the classic RACI Matrix categories (Responsible, Accountable, Consulted, Informed; find the specific definitions online). Or I like to use three role categories at the project or program level: Director (ensures accountability, not the day-to-day lead), Manager (day-to-day responsibility) and Coordinator (does most of the tasks and tracking the work). Whatever you use, define the categories in writing, and be ready to describe what each means.

3. Mark it as a “draft for discussion.” Tell her (in person, on the phone, even in a quick moment on the side of a meeting) why you put this together and why you need to meet about it. Schedule the meeting. Show her your draft. Tell her it is definitely a draft, that you will update it after your meeting based on what you discuss. Then listen! Hear what she has to say.

4. If your department doesn’t usually get this detailed about roles, she will need time to think about it. Be patient. Circle back. Some delineations may take a while. Offer to go project by project, if you want to see what it means to take specific roles.

It may take a while, but this document and discussions (“discussions” plural) will help both of you feel confident in your work together. The work itself will get done more smoothly and directly. 

Over time, this evolving role clarity will help you understand the other big issue, maybe the most sensitive of all between you, which is how you each work with the team you supervise. 

This is an eternal question between levels of management. There is no perfect answer that applies to all types of work, sizes of teams, workflows, communication styles, etc. We need to figure it out together. Here, you have the benefit of a recent return to work.  You can say, “Now that I’m back, I want to make sure we are working together in the best way, between you, me, my team.” 

Acknowledge that she did more with your team while you were gone. She had to. You want to learn from her how that went, and how she wants to sort things out now that she has you back to help her. Here are some examples of clear ground rules, that don’t try to build a protective moat around your team or restrict your boss. 

• For regular operations or projects where you agree that you, not your boss, are the day-to-day leader, you could request that she go through you when she needs something from one of your team members. 

• For work where your boss wants to work directly with your team member/s, or has a simple one-time request that’s just easier to get directly instead of through you, you could request that she cc you on emails, or tell you what she is doing with your team member. This minimizes right-hand-left-hand confusion, provides your team with a unified front from their management, and allows you to weigh in with ideas or other support if your team members could use your help. (It’s also nice to let things happen without you having to do anything.)

• For work where she’s the lead and one or more of your team members are part of it, you can stay a step back, officially, until your boss or team members want your help.

Keep the attitude of collaboration and mutual support. And Stay curious (our most foundational Culture Builder #1!) about how you can help your team and your boss both, and it will go well. Get that clarity and good boss-support you deserve. Commit to trust and learning together as you go.

Thanks for dropping by the Quandary-Mat! 

Everybody else: The Quandary-Mat is open for your quandaries. All work-relationship and team performance conundrums welcome.