First we figure out if we are safe. Then we decide how we can participate and contribute. 

Think about your first days on a new job, any job in your history. Your radar was on high alert: How you fit in socially, if the boss was savvy and if she was cool, which colleagues were going to help you, if there were any tricky interpersonal dramas to stay out of. 

One of my favorite first days was waiting tables at a burger joint, in the mid-90s, in a yuppy neighborhood in Oakland. I had just moved to California, straight out of college in far-away North Carolina. I was naive and very broke. It was the lunch shift. 

The waiter Maya who trained me decided right away that she liked me. Something about Cancer women (her) and Virgo men (me). Welcome to California!

Maya was a fast talker and a fast walker. As she stepped sideways between tables, me at her heels, she stage-whispered who was who and what I need to know. 

“He’s always stoned. Sweet but useless,” she said as she passed a busboy. He heard her and smiled, shrugging and chuckling at my shocked face. 

Her favorite line cook beamed when she said, “He will get you anything you need. On the hop. No problems.” This was not my first time waiting tables. This was very important info. 

As for the manager, a smiling woman with a threatening vibe who greeted me then disappeared into her office, Maya said, “She hates changing the schedule, so you have to push hard for dinner shifts but you get at least double the tips you do at lunch.” 

It was so simple. Maya set me up for success. She had my back. I was safe with her. She told me which shifts paid best, even though we would be competing for those.

I felt welcome. I would okay here. I could settle in and do my job.

The movie “9 to 5” has a similar scene. The sage supervisor Lily Tomlin gives the “new girl” Jane Fonda the office tour. As she tells Jane what she needs to know about her duties (typing things, answering phones), Lily walks over to the big boss’s office door. She covers the middle of the nameplate for Frank Hart so it says “F-art.” 

Suddenly, Jane is welcome. She’s an insider. She knows where safety lies: Her immediate boss Lily Tomlin knows everything, and has her best interests in mind. There is no love nor trust between the two levels of management, Lily and the big boss. And, as for physical and emotional safety, do not be alone with the big boss. (Spoiler: He does sexual assaults, and that played for laughs in the 1980s.) 

In our organizations, of course we would want more alignment between the executive role and the supervisor role, and no misogyny or sexual assaults on Dolly Parton or anyone else, but for newbie Jane, that’s as good a first day as she can get with Frank Hart at the helm.

First day memories help us understand how trust, power and opportunity operate in a team. 

Our state of alert and our analysis are automatic. It’s human nature. It’s self-preservation. 

We map out the roles and relationships in our head. We decide who we can trust to help us succeed, who we can learn from, and who might be watching and hoping we will make mistakes. 

Over the days and weeks, we learn who we can trust with our most insecure questions and most innovative ideas. Who might not vibe with our approach to leading change. 

Once we are up and running, we dig in where there is opportunity, take our best energies and ideas to certain people and certain meetings and perhaps not to others. 

Here is a thought exercise for you to try (and action-oriented prompts after that): 

Think about your best first day on a job, ever. What did your boss and colleagues do? How did they help you feel welcome and important? Did anything happen that made you feel seen as a complete person? To help you feel equipped and expedited? (Having a network login waiting ain’t nothing!) Take some notes about what was offered and how it helped you.


Prompts for your leadership work: 

Is there anything you can think of that would enhance onboarding for new staff on your team, to replicate what happened for you, or how you felt, on your good first day? 

Is there someone on your team who is not new, who could benefit from a re-welcome, or some of these types of expediting conversations and supports?  

This is not just about being a kind human. Though it’s definitely that. This is also about productivity and people doing their work well. There is an order of operations here: First we figure out if we are safe. Then we decide how we can participate and contribute. 

Next time: More on “re-welcome” and how and when you might want to create that nice fresh first-day welcome for yourself, or your whole team.